|jump right in and swim until you're free
||[11 Nov 2011|11:39pm]
weird things happen when you stop making plans
when you start living life for the moment
and saying yes to everything
you take a look around and realize that spontaneity has failed you
and the excitement of walking away gives you the strength to do so
some want you to succeed, but even more want you to fail
the ones that are convinced they had you figured out
the ones that had your same crisis but decided to wait it out
the ones that were too afraid or disenfranchised to come to the same epiphany
you will meet them all again soon and smile over mediocre cocktails
you search the past for clues as to what you should be doing
where you should be going
but you know you are just lost in the woods
enjoying it but hating it just as much
an interesting chapter that you will overanalyze later
a world of maybes, nos, and why nots when all you want is a yes
For now there is whiskey and great music
long walks for overthinking and dreaming
mornings for sleeping in (finally)
waking up to worry that you will waste the day
whatever comes next will feed off of this time
but its time to start living a life with some plans
explore another maybe
find another dream that you left on the table
hope for beautiful letdowns, educational disasters, and someone that gives a damn
but plan for it to all go well
|I change shapes just to hide in this place
||[16 Feb 2011|11:21pm]
I want to create a reality where all of the people I love fit in there with me.
In their past and current forms.
This geographically compartmentalized existence is lonely even when you feel supported.
This life is just starting and it's fascinating how much of it was prepared for.
How much of it was well-rehearsed.
How much of it was exactly what I expected.
But I've never felt so behind while running ahead of everyone else.
I can't believe how quickly the nostalgia sets in.
And how I have no desire to live through my youth again because the remnants I left before for reflection are just as superb.
Part of me is always waking up on Christmas morning.
waiting for my mom to come home to take me to the movies.
sitting in my mom's bathroom playing with her products.
singing to the First Wives' Club soundtrack with my mother.
running home to watch TRL.
eating McDonald's pancakes.
driving in the desert at night with the windows down.
walking the brooklyn bridge and asking my ipod for guidance.
waking up in his bed with his arms around me.
and always dancing. On stage. In Dana's class. On a bar. In the shower.
All of the pieces have brought me here.
I romanticize every fucking moment of it.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
||[05 Oct 2010|12:26am]
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
|Falling Into Place
||[14 Sep 2010|09:20pm]
"I'll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous, and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching 'Lost.' And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet, and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince! And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old." - 30 Rock
|for today I am a child, for today I am a boy
||[18 Jun 2010|11:55pm]
So there's my reflection....
messy hair from a photoshoot.
lighting a cigarette.
||[14 Jun 2010|10:20pm]
What a great picture for my collaged bulletin board.
What a fabulous moment of me.
||[19 Apr 2010|10:55pm]
The worst part of moving to New York is dealing the people that dislike you as the outsider that isn't worth anything until you prove yourself and your staying power.
The worst part of being a New Yorker is the realization that you have been doing this to certain people since you met them.
|I wanna get slain
||[09 Mar 2010|12:08am]
How funny you are today New York
like Ginger Rogers in Swingtime
and St. Bridget’s steeple leaning a little to the left
here I have just jumped out of a bed full of V-days
(I got tired of D-days) and blue you there still
accepts me foolish and free
all I want is a room up there
and you in it
and even the traffic halt so thick is a way
for people to rub up against each other
and when their surgical appliances lock
they stay together
for the rest of the day (what a day)
I go by to check a slide and I say
that painting’s not so blue
where’s Lana Turner
she’s out eating
and Garbo’s backstage at the Met
everyone’s taking their coat off
so they can show a rib-cage to the rib-watchers
and the park’s full of dancers with their tights and shoes
in little bags
who are often mistaken for worker-outers at the West Side Y
the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they won
and in a sense we’re all winning
the apartment was vacated by a gay couple
who moved to the country for fun
they moved a day too soon
even the stabbings are helping the population explosion
though in the wrong country
and all those liars have left the UN
the Seagram Building’s no longer rivalled in interest
not that we need liquor (we just like it)
and the little box is out on the sidewalk
next to the delicatessen
so the old man can sit on it and drink beer
and get knocked off it by his wife later in the day
while the sun is still shining
oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much
||[04 Feb 2010|01:20am]
Men with their hair combed back.
New outlook. Whatever.
My success keeps me warm at night.
|A hurricane that keeps you there, safe
||[30 Nov 2009|06:18pm]
The brink of 21 is messing with me
I feel my youth ending
I have absolutely no interest is being 21
Will all of the fun and taboo be gone?
On the other side of that coin
I have aged too far beyond 21 to go back
My youth ended a long time ago
Walking the halls of college feels like walking through a time capsule
I'm more of a witness than a participant
There are people my age that still just......sit around
Waiting to figure out who they are
How did I get so far beyond that so quickly?
I sadistically miss heartache
and the milestones associated with it
The buffet table of dreams that NYC handed to me
The things I left on that table
|Relax and take your coat off, this ain't something you've seen before
||[04 Oct 2009|02:09am]
Punch me, I want to bleed for you
I want to expose how easily my body can tarnish by your hands
And how vulnerable my physicality is
How this blood and these bruises expose my strength
I want to smile as you take me down
The orgasm of watching you as you think you are controlling something in me is better than defeating you
Hit me while I’m down, please
I dare you
Sit me down and tie me to a chair so you think I’m powerless
Leave me alone and watch me from afar as I revel in my solidarity
What you don’t know is that I’ve been here before
I’ve dealt with worse
And I’ve survived with this panache and poise you envy
Unlike you, I know who I am
I took that risk you were afraid of
Even in this moment I am confronting more than you ever would
So hit me again, please
I am the character in that story you are dying to read
That movie you are dying to see
Those moments where you think “what if” don’t exist in my landscape
So hit me again because I piss you off
Because I am the person you dreamt of when you were 16 but lost somewhere along the way
I am what you wanted to be in kindergarten before you listened to everyone that told you no
Hit me again because I feel it and love you for it more than you can understand
Rip my clothes off and leave me alone with my history
|falling in the space between the universe
||[18 Aug 2009|12:41am]
Another day where I stop and look around
my eyes widen and I playfully giggle
I can't believe this is my life
I can't believe I am this lucky
I can't believe I get to be here in this moment
I want to grab everyone's hand and touch it to my heart so they can experience this with me
I feel a stronger bridge to a former version of myself that I missed and respected
that fresh mind, out of high school, into the world
a stronger bond to my surroundings
a deeper understanding of home
the songs, the moments, the feelings, the ups, the downs
I'm addicted to everything
addicted to looking at the pictures before the memory fades
another summer that didn't end the way I expected in any way, shape, or form
another summer that changed the very core of my being and my worldview
another moment to lead me forward and onward
maybe not getting what you want leads you to your ultimate desires
the ones your subconscious devours
maybe you've heard all of your favorite songs before
and that's why it feels so good to hear them again for the first time
It feels great to fall in love with yourself again, I highly recommend it.
|Being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen
||[01 Jun 2009|11:39pm]
My decisions are recipes for my happiness
and I know I am missing ingredients yet don't have the urge to seek them
My thoughts are bubbles
floating away and popping yet re-emerging again from my mouth and mind
My feelings are liquid and pouring onto the floor
seeping into the cracks in the tiles so I can stare at them
sometimes the bubbles pop to the floor and I stare at them too
accumulating in puddles to splash in as I dream
I close my eyes and smile
almost believing it will make it all feel better
that this t-shirt makes me feel skinny so it'll be ok
that this v-neck exposes my necklace so I can remember my triumphs
that these shorts show my tattoo so I can keep it together
It's just a phase
another phase that will attach to become a part of my story
but its been a number of phases in a row now
and they are all I can see pouring onto the floor
all at once
are all breakthroughs worth the breakdowns that follow?
a moment where something sparks and you feel closer
this thing that you have been following since birth
this internal rose that is wilting
this is just a snapshot of something you won't want to remember
a time of self discovery you will be glad you had
||[13 May 2009|02:14am]
I'm sick of wishing I could tell my story in my pictures
and wishing that the pictures that do tell my story told more.
I'm sick of falling out of love with myself.
I'm sick of being the only person left on my side in dodgeball.
I want to lay in my bed all morning and scream at my alarm clock, "I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!" until I orgasm with the emotion that is boiling in my skin.
This ache for pain
This urge for reaction that I CRAAAAAAVE
The first lick of the ice cream cone that you feel going all the way down.
The first sip of coffee in the morning.
The first day you feel the sun on your face, welcoming spring and summer.
I want out of the cocoon so I can feel something.
I want to grab you by the wrist and starting running for the pure joy of getting lost.
|My current state of being
||[27 Apr 2009|01:08pm]
"Why do people live in New York? There is no relationship between them. Except for an inner electricity which results from the simple fact of their being crowded together. A magical sensation of contiguity and attraction for an artificial centrality. This is what makes it a self-attracting universe, which there is no reason to leave. There is no human reason to be here, except for the sheer ecstasy of being crowded together." - Jean Baudrillard
|Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know
||[07 Mar 2009|07:36pm]
As I've gotten older I've become increasingly aware of the fear I hold inside myself
A fear that has come with maturity
that is the umbrella term for a collection of feelings
I have experienced through my early adulthood
An awareness of my mortality
my faults as a man
my lack of control of the universe
The small drop that I am in the melting pot of the world
Until recently I hadn't grasped the necessary for faith
religious or otherwise
to guard you from that fear
protecting you from your knowledge
that you are eternal student that is studying for a test with no questions
a final exam with only one outcome
On her death bed, my beloved grandmother held her crying great-grandson in her arms
he asked her if she was dying
she smiled and told him that we're all dying
no matter what we do
her answer succeeded in calming him down
and has resonated into the moments of my life where I fear that I won't be able to study enough for my final exam
I hope that in the end it doesn't matter if you've had a full life
but that you have made peace with your expectations for yourself enough to the point that you can just let go
I hope that I can close my eyes, smile, and let out my last exhale
pleased that my final exam is over and impressed by how hard I worked
cramming until the last minute
|I remember you, but I can't seem to remember to forget
||[14 Feb 2009|02:06am]
When you're in love it comes out of you
you paint the world with it, wherever you go
the brush never dries up
and you convince yourself that it never will
You drag it behind you like a trail of bread crumbs
back to a feeling or a place
coating your landmarks with the warmth of the flame you have burning inside
You never mean to put the brush down
but one day you realize it isn't following you
You return to the places you painted
to sit down next to your former self
You can feel your growth and evolution
but you can't help but miss the painting process
and the excitement of using a new color
It's hard to believe that you will find a new color someday
but we all need to believe that we will
Perhaps its time to let your scenery paint you for a while
new scenery of course
but maybe there is a new shade to leave in familiar places
and there is nothing wrong with missing your old colors
as long as you don't paint in them anymore
Happy Valentine's Day
|This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
||[04 Jan 2009|12:26am]
It's easy to feel a new beginning
a new start
to feel your soul breathe a sigh of relief
due to the accompaniment of the laundry list of imminent plans to make this all feel better
to wake up in the morning and breathe in the possibilities
to swim in the mess that surrounds you with a smirk on your face
a smirk that knows what you have handled and admires you for your triumphs
The hard part is believing that you have survived
looking back at the carnage shouldn't send the chills down your spine that it sent initially
but it does
and you tell yourself that time heals all wounds
but even the optimists that believe that hold worry in their hearts
we have all fallen down as much as you have
I'm 20 years old and the scariest part of my life is that it has only just begun
I've only met a fraction of life's acquaintances
only had my heart broken for the first couple of times
I look forward to the good meals
the good laughs
the infinite moments
and the surprise emotions
I'm excited for the fear that will lead to the strength that could bring me happiness
I lost myself to love him but have found myself to move on
This year feels as new as the cliché
as fresh as the farmer's market
|With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
||[29 Sep 2008|02:17am]
A couple of months ago I was in an elevator and someone asked me about my tattoo.
I explained that I got an anchor on my ankle to keep me grounded.
The stranger looked down at my tattoo and then back up at me and asked,
"Is it working?"
I told him I didn't know yet and brushed off the encounter as a random moment
I remember thinking that I wasn't sure how to answer his question
And why I hadn't already asked it of myself
I quit being an RA.
The hardest and wisest decision I have made in a very long time.
I can't explain why I did it exactly, or why I was so sure of the decision in the instant I made it.
I was dangerously close to loosing myself and could feel myself letting go of what was most important to me.
I learned in an instant that I was done proving myself to everyone.
That I was done doing things just because I knew I was going to be the best.
I realized that just because you are good at something doesn't mean you have to be good at it.
I decided to quit my job, got an apartment, quit my job, signed a lease and moved in within a 24 hours span of time.
For the rest of my life I get to say that I lived alone and on my own in Manhattan at 19.
So now here I am! FREEEEEEEEEEEE
But for the first time in my life, I don't know what I am doing really.
I am still going to school full-time.
I am still interning at Columbia Records.
But I don't really know what I am doing right now - what I am actually doing with my life.
I worry that I am wasting my youth sitting around and waiting for experiences to find me yet don't know what I want or expect myself to do.
It's a double-edged sword that is leaving me bored and restless and i'm uncomfortable with my recent routine.
It's frustrating to trust that fate will take care of you when you spend a lot of time alone, living alone.
Don't get me wrong, it's fabulous. But its lonely. Even in this crowded city with amazing friends.
I think back to the man in the elevator asking me if my tattoo was working often.
I'm positive it has been working
and that perhaps it has left the "grounding" up to me for a while
At least until I get off track again.